last christmas.

hey y'all merry xmas :))


as far as i rmb, ( ive actually read my blog entry frm last xmas.) i actually did meet up with my frens for a gathering. and i think i was the one who organized it loL. anw this year was.... lol im jus sipping beer and munching on them junk food.


so yea,i got wad i wanted, wad i deserved =) year after year, i always hoped tt the nxt wld be better than this year. but this christmas, lemme wish for smth different.




i hope tt nxt christmas wldve been the best one of all. =)


i haf 1 year to work for it anddddd i will make it better than all the previous ones.




new year update will come in few days time

here there.

im back since.... friday? always wanted to haf an update but just cant think of enuf materials to put into one entry. nonetheless im jus gonna try saying something.


hmm christmas and new year is just abt the corner, the past few years has been pretty...... boring? heh since its almost an annual affair tt we wld gather tgt and haf chill out tgt. but this year, i didn wanted to organize it again haha. so im wondering if anything will happen. OK let me rephrase it. i dont think anyones gonna organize anything so, yea this year's gonna be different lol. this year's gonn be lonely and all. well.... a new change? heh. its prolly wad i wanted to happen or at least, its wad i made it happen. lol duno if my sentence sounds correct, heck.


haha the job hunts getting slow, one thing being the job ads aint too attractive, and also after a 2 weeks hiatus, it seems tt my brain's getting alittle bit thrown off course.
to elaborate, ive always wanted to get into this stockbroking, equities sector etc. and to begin with, i dont even haf the exact answer as to why i wanted to. nonetheless, i decided to set my mind to it and be darn sure tt i go the correct way. so, after so many mths of search, perhaps the fatique, perhaps its jus a lost of momentum, i started wondering why am i so adamant in the first place. as in, why did i want to do it so much, and shld i jus gear away frm it and at least get a damn job first?


of  cuz i noe im overstaying my welcome(at home rotting lol) but.... its not like i dont want to work but i... sadly... dont rly noe what i want? and i cant get a job tt wants me. lol


so.... of cuz ill keep going ill keep finding based on my initial decision. so..ok. ill see how it goes? and hopefully my xmas and new year wont be too boring heh

The new life ahead.

So I just found out Smth not so nice. But then again, it's supposed to be over. Longgg longg over. But it jus feels pretty awful. I've always had the slight mentality that Someday somewher I'll get u back. While another part of me knew that it's not gonna happen again. I still do carry tt hope tt, miracle might happen.

So now, I'm pleading this cy. After the end of the ict. I'll. Treat it as a new life. A new beginning. All that has happened ain't gonna matter anymore. Looking forward is key.

Alright let's jus get thru these and live a brand new life ahead.

Cheers.

perserverance

having a short break.while my mind is currently full of finishing this shit, i knew tt shits gonna get tougher; in real life tt is.


when i get outta there, i haf to get a job asap. as i can see my debt snowballing larger and larger. its a good experience, i had to say, tt puts me in a rly uncomfortable position and makes me wanna go back to my normal life so damn much.


kinda haunted by memories these days when i had nth to do and memories will jus come by knocking. live with no regrets Cy. u did wad u thought was right, and who can say tt ur choice aint right? heh. life is always like this. so push on and u will see the light at the end of the tunnel.


so. ok i haf to go back soon. argh.

Inside.

pretty much stoned the whole of today away Cuz of the lack of activities, or perhaps there are activities but I jus Didn go for it. Nonetheless, prolly its a good make of for my lack of slp these days. Since I'm RLY dreading to come back here.

I do wonder why am I always stucked in shitholes, like perhaps a shitty person like me jus deserved to be stuck in one lol. It's, hard to make new frens when they alr had a clique on their own. But well of Cuz I tried my best to stick wif em, hah. It's a little hard for me to get along wif em. Perhaps Its jus the beginning awkward "I noe u but I don't fking noe anything else other than ur name, and we haf to act close" kinda thingy. Lol. Well, it's.. Okay I hope. I'll jus stick to them like gum. Cuz I rly hate being alone. Like. Now LoL.

Many reflections were done these days, like is it worth the sacrifice, did I make the wrong choices again. I wld say, my goals were realistic and definitely doable. It's just me forgetting the fact tt, I had a pretty weak heart. Which I tot was strong. I Felt relieved initially and RLY motivated but, towards the middle part, I start losing sight of my goal, I start needing somebody. I guess that's wher I went wrong. So now, I'm suffering the consequences. I guess it's a lesson I wanted to teach myself. Cherish, humility, open.

Cherish what I haf, be humble and not think too much of myself, be open to ideas and words from other ppl. I'm still learning, I'm still growing. I do miss u. Rly rly. But I shldn do anything abt it, Cuz I suck.

Side note, I'm mega bored of doing nth inside here.-__- pls let today end quickly THX

new start.

finished the cfa ytd which rly...is freaking difficult but, well ive alr made plans for the worst so. i suppose im jus glad tt its over. for now.


feeling pretty horrible these days fretting abt reservist and stuff, of cuz, firstly, its gonna be 2 weeks of doing shit and staying outside. and yea, having to live with ppl im not close with kinda sucked. plus, my low self esteem these days lol....makes it hard to know new ppl. but well.. lets hope tt i can jus endure and live, even if it is in a horrible manner, and jus.. live through it? tho theres no longer anything waiting for me out here but. i.. still love the outside world so much.


the rainy days, the solitude. ill deal with it.


hail to the new start, and lets hope tt my nxt spring will be awesome, when i come out of tt jungle hole.

reality & dreams.

u ever had a nice dream, and u woke up to a nightmare, then u close ur eyes and hope that u can go back to having tt dream again.


it jus happened to me this morning lol, and yea im pretty much living in a nightmare now. if u told the CY 4-5 mths ago, that he wld be outta job even till the end of the year, that he wld be so ill prepared for cFA i bet he'll be scared shitless too.


i knew this is gonna be a lone fight. i noe my strengths and weaknesses, but i guess i still needa keeep learning more abt myself, thru these interviews, its pretty insightful to keep learning things even tho ppl might feel tt its a waste of time. well it aint for me. ppl always claim tt they can help. but no shit, the best way to help is jus stay outta my way and try not to give me extra work having to explain things to u. i... think i noe what i want. lOL but, apparently alot of ppl do not know wad i meant.


well im cool wif tt, cuz it took me q a while to uds the situation too lol, andddd, well. ill get up, ill get back, ill stab back. tho im alr covered with wounds now, i cant die yet, jus... not yet.


if ure truly concerned, i thank u, if ure jus saying or jus trying to appear almighty, well. thank u too. i hope u did feel better abt urself. cuz u noe, ure awesome, ure cool, ure good and alll. wow. yea.


k.


the fight will prolly drag on further, but, lets do this.

tomorrow.

its alrdy nearing the end of november.


perhaps its due to the fact tt exams are coming in, and the fact tt ive been pretty much coped up at home, it feels tt time really simply jus flew past. day by day, ill jus be waiting for tml to come like " ah tml im gonna do this. i will catch up on the studying tml." and then pop, ive only got 1 week left. -.-


ah. brain's pretty much not in the mood to blog lol. but i tot i shld write smth down to remind myself what i did and how i felt these days. might update again soon but now, lol. tts it yay


k im back to add in more stuff. lol. u know, the longer this job hunt drags on, the more im beginning to lose sight of what I am looking for. so many times, ive decided on the things tt I gotta do and den, I realised tt no, I cant do it tt way. and im supposed to go the other way around. and then I'll go and hide in a corner and den cursing to the wall. so what shld I do now. this way or the other, I don't know. lol. perhaps.. I shld go this way, the way tt ppl cursed at, or no, I shld go the way where ppl will jus feel indifferent about?


ok. i jus finished a practice paper. and i freaking scored 53/120. fking fail. and wif reference. am i stupid or wtf. lol. god. its tt feeling again. tt feeling of working hard, trying hard and failing. nonetheless im jus blogging now instead of revising tt shit. but argh fk. this shit sucked. so much. shld prolly go back to em later on


fking shit.








and i jus feel tt u're pretty disgusting.

the flower of hope.

apparently I haven't found it yet. lOL. but life's gonna go on. hahha. life isnt what i rly hoped tt it wld turn out as but, as long as i still live, im still good to go.


the job hunt is rly.. lol... ambiguous, whereby the end seemed so near and the nxt moment, "pop" i went back to the starting point. not gonna complain still.. cuz... my parents haf not given up on me, as i have yet to give up.


much studying and understanding is still needed for CFA. but..i jus cant seem to find the motivation to. even as ive alrdy removed every, single, distraction there might be. perhaps tt loneliness, tt solitude is whats bringing me down.


ive been using running man as a escape. ( heh thx man) but.. escaping arent gonna solve the problem. as i noticed in u too, u tend to escape when u face a problem, and ive tried to correct tt. but aw, that irony. i realized tt ive been doing the same thing. i shldve been rly focused on studying now. but.. every other thing seemed to haf attracted my attn.




i guess god heard my voice, saying how i am accepting ur absence and all. then i saw an update on ur life and i thought i needed some  beer again. tt intentional prank played on me. lol


but, well. i... haf to live a better life. i cant live in sorrow forever and i wont be able to do anything if im jus another pathetic worm crawling ard. ill.. try to still live wif  pride. i must.

Frustration.

went back to school to print some past year papers and, with the drizzle going on, i decided to go for a little walk down the memory lane. places which ive been to so often, places where we've went thru tgt. the memory is still fresh in my mind but, wanting it to happen again is no longer possible. mayb i shld be glad tt u're not wif me now anw, cuz, this harsh period tt im gg thru, its better not for anyone to see. lol tt wldve been so embarrassing.


tt aside, its pretty frustrating to go for interviews, and not getting the offer. lol. i wonder how many times have tt been now, and yes its pretty much my fault for not preparing enuf and not putting in the effort to understand the job. it feels so bad tt im practically rotting my life away, whereby i cldve been doing so much more.


and ppl wld be like "hows ur job hunt so far" fuck u. isnt the fact tt im unemployed self-explanatory to tt qn? and argh pls. jus gimme tt job lol. it rly sucked so much to be a liability, it rly sucked tt im so willing to work harder than anyone else and do so much better than any average other, but i dont haf the capability to prove it. my god. no


pick me up. please.

yet another.

am blogging frm starbucks lOL. perhaps due to geographical reasons, im seeing many familiar faces. lol. I wonder if I wld look familiar to them too cuz... I think I wld appear pretty different than before lOL. but no one's came over to talk to me so I guess tts cool. well I wasn't particularly nice to other ppl after all so... most likely nbdy wld wanna come over even if they do recognise me lol!

browsed thru my past few blog entries and I realised tt the contents haf pretty much been the same, and I sinderely apologize for tt. for being so repetitive, for being so lame.
for a change, im jus gonna talk abt erm, things tt are more.... not so emo?

went for another job interview and heck, im pretty sure I want this job. but.. thing is I was only informed abt the interview ytd afternoon and well I looked thru the job description tt didn look too interesting. but, as the interviewer went into details abt the job, gosh. I want it man. fk me for being not prepared.=_=

but well its ok. its just another item to add into my LONNNNNGGGGGGG anaconda-ishly LONNGGGGGGG LIST OF failures. jus one additional item wont make it look tt different lOL.

results, aren't known yet but I do hope for the best.

in dire need to study but damn, had to go to my bro's hse fr a couple of drinks
yea alcohol. lOl.=_=. well I asked him if I cld go for a drink on one occasion (when I was feeling rly down) and I ended up not gg lol. and, he's been asking me fr a couple of times alr and... I don't think its nice to reject him any further, jus as I was in urgent need of studying time, gosh I feel so unprepared.

hai... bonding is impt too, so... I guess... lets do it =0, and work smth out. okay.

it finally started sinking in, the fact tt u;re no longer within my reach. im, most likely cool wif tt. jus, don't invoke my memories and ill be fine.

ive got impt things to do after all

the season's change.(memories in the rain)

It's starting to rain pretty frequently these days, a sign tt December is coming, the year is ending. This year seemed to haf past by pretty quickly, perhaps it feels the same every but well. Okay. 

Being jobless for so long felt so bad, u noe, being a liability and all. Not being able to go out wif ppl Cuz of financial constraints, staying home for the whole day for God knows what reason. I hope it ends soon, while at the same time Im q afraid abt the uncertainty ahead. 

 

Well I've always had a thing for the rain, memories.? Mayb. But whenever there is a storm outside, I wld stare into it and jus start thinking abt the past, not RLY abt u noe, events tt happened in the rain previously but, jus whatever tt affects me the most.?

The rain is a trigger to the painful/most significant memories in my mind. Lol I wonder if I made it sound understandable but okay. 

I've tot of hw my life wld be if I didn make tt "wrong" decision then. It seems tt, Mayb, just Mayb, even if I had stucked myself to U, I wld most prolly not be very happy nonetheless. Well humans aren't animals tt can be satisfied easily. I wld probably had a lot of fun wif u and neglected the cfa, I cld still be working in spinelli, if not I wldve jus randomly accepted any job tt came. instead of wad I'm doing now (which is erms, supposingly searching for the correct job tt I wanted)

And then I'll still feel fked up tt I'm stucked wif someone like u. And then The same thing will happen again lol. Well. We were meant to break after all. I wld only cherish u if I didn had u, and u aren't the kind who will slowly stand there and wait for me to come back. Perhaps tts a inevitable fate. So, I had to accept this. 

Nonetheless abt another person, lol we haf on one side someone who wanted to care abt u, and u're jus going ard and getting ur heart break. Ain't it weird? Human tt is. Like, u're most likely attracted to things tt are not attracted to u lol.and thus we have  so many unhappy human running ard. 

Well well tt irony, tt rain, tt season of festive is coming again. And to me, it's jus an awful scorn.

Me and my beer against the world.

Ya. I uds tt its supposed to be "my beer and I " and a more appropriate title for today shldve been
"My beer and I against the storm" but let's jus leave it tt way, heh.
Wanted to study at Mac after trying out the ebi burger but apparently it's mega flooded wif ppl even at like 9+. I wonder wads wrong wif em, like why are there so many ppl having Mac at 9+ wher it's too early to be supper timing and too late to be dinner timing. But oh wells I'm there Cuz I wanted to study, so ive got a real valid reason to purposely avoid the supposingly busy dinner timing. But alas, it's still mega packed wif ppl walking ard wif their trays of food.
And that's another issue. If u noe tt it's rly crowded, why wld u buy ur food first and den search for a seat, u're jus gonna look ridiculous walking ard wif a tray, in a crowded fast food restaurant. Nope, I noe wad these ppl are thinking, no matter what, nope. Don't expect tt jus becoz u haf a tray of food, u will get a seat.

Ugh so abt me, cuz of tt crowd, I Didn haf the cheek to take out my stuff to study even tho I RLY wanna to. Kindhearted CY left his seat straight after eating tt ebi burger and proceeded to buy 2 cans of beer. LOl

As I've mentioned, or Uve seen, today is RLY RLY rainy. Did I use the right description? Well heck it anw. So wif a small umbrella, 2 beer, I went on an adventure to walk thru the heavy rain. It's pretty scary tho, lol wif the Lightning and stuff. Not tt Im afraid of the loud noises frm thunders but I'm more afraid tt i wld get hit by lightning and end my wonder life so randomly, lol

Anw, the experience of walking thru the rain and the fear tt came wif it made me feel... Alive. Since I've been pretty much coped up doing my own stuff and haven't rly felt much emotions these days, so yea I felt alive. It feels nice to be drinking beer, in the middle of a heavy thunder storm, wif my soaking wet shoes and socks and shorts. It's rly smth I haven't experienced it for a longggg while. Lol. Perhaps I'm crazy, perhaps everyone else is like this too. Like putting myself in an uncomfortable position intentionally jus to feel the thrill. If u get wad I meant lol. So yea a nice long walk while relating this situation to my current life situation. Like even if there's a storm pelting down on u, it's not tt bad if u haf an umbrella, well it's awesome if u had a beer but tts optional lol. The storm will be over sooner or later, and when it happens, what is left wld be a better tml, and a stronger u. Bleh duno if it's making sense, I'll prolly review and edit it Tml. Tts it for now I guess.


Today's pretty normal, nth bad happened so I guess I can call it a good day.?

lol

out of boredom, i extracted a part of my history to remind myself of my thoughts then. here goes:


"I've been telling myself to keep my distance. I hope this time I finally managed to. As I've said. It's better to hurt nw than later. The amt of pain wldve been so much more. I'm suffering too. When u hurt smbdy, ure digging 2 graves. Haha tho nt till tt extreme but, roughly la hor. so yes, taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture, looking into the future, pls let it stay like this for a while. I hope I won't be the one breaking my promise but yes pls gimme the strength to."




annnnnddd yUP! i became the one who broke the promise lOL! after...5 mths? heh. yup. i semi expected tt. but well at least i lasted for 5 mths so lol. Tho i still think of u every once in a while, i guess i can be cool bout everything tt happend. since i haf to believe tt i was rationale when i made the decision then. things changed, life moved on, and i turned out pretty differently frm wad i had expected. i tried crawling back cuz i was lonely, i guess tt was so dumb right ridiculous.


i knew how the game goes, the 1 who gave in more loses out, but i just....wanted to try, wanted to fight b4 giving up.


nonetheless, even tho right now, im in a pretty ridiculous state, i shall trust in that cy who still had a rationale brain. that cy who wasnt tormented by loneliness, that cy, who didn felt like a uselesss asshole.


heh. still.. i dont give up. i will keep working hard, and even tho things dont work out my way, i wont stop until it does. =)
even tho ive been repeating this for many times, i guess this helps to show tt i wont give up no matter how the odds seemed to be againtst me.










here goes nothing.

here comes the rain 2

lol. if ure wondering bout the "2", cuz this title came to my mind today and i was thinking if ive used it before, so i checked it out and yup! i used it on a post tt was on 5th Jan 2014. basically jus abt u noe, wanting to spend more time with my family and wanting to forget the past memories tt was triggered by the rain stuff?


not tt bad, but today the rain has another meaning to me. it reminds me tt i cldve been out there in the cold, cldve been not able to walk ard, oh yea, i went down for a walk after seeing the downpour. heh, just attracted to rain in general, and yup it wldve been perfect if it was at night, with a cold beer in hand LOL. try it sometimes, its pretty awesome.


so the cold wind reminds me tt i cldve been out there, i cldve been in a very uncomfortable state and not happily walking ard to buy food. in fact heck, the way im spending money, i shldve went bankrupted months ago. so i shld be contented with wad i haf and, strive to achieve more, instead of whining abt wad i cldnt haf. yes its true tt life hasnt been very fair to me, but well i havent been fair to other ppl ard me anw so ill call it quits.


the me now is rly smth not worth mentioning, i hate it when i bcome a liability instead of an asset. to top it off, my brain's constantly getting distracted and i cant help it. a good way to solve this is to get outta the house and study but, apparently i wld need money for tt, and tt is smth i dont rly haf LOL


so what now? nth. continue my life. day by day, and hope for the better, i cannot give up. there are too many ppl i had to impress. well even if i dont, at least i wanna live normally, like any other average ppl out there. okay. yea

Oh, hi November.

so it's alrdy November since ytd. Lol. So September was pretty bad, October was spent drowning myself in self pity and stuff, but heck, I Didn think I've been rly happy for a long long time. It's almost like I'm always trapped in the endless loop of unhappiness. but yea, even if im not happy, i can still live, and as long as i live, i will be happy someday.


tracing back, ive pretty much wasted the WHOLE of my october drinking and wasting time away, and being emotional for wadever shit. perhaps tts the autumn's sorrow? haha like a person will always want to have a companion in this season. heh. but wells. ive alrdy did all tt was within my capabilities, ive alrdy greived more than i shld. and i hafta put my focus on the right stuff now. tt one month wasted, i.. hope it wont affect me too much. after all, in tt month, i did a hell lot of reflection too.


time to get my priorities right. time to get back into the game. and well, life sucked but the fight aint over yet. its only challenging when all the odds are against me. =) heh. if its any easier, it wldve been all too easy.

hi hello.

jus came home from a little bit of drinking with slightly less expenditure on drinks. it was pretty nice to haf frens to hang out with, even tho its not alot of them, and family who wld come and haf dinner tgt for catching up sessions. it seems nth much but perhaps i shld be glad abt it since its really not a given.
its pretty common to haf frens who's saying "oh sorry i cant make it today, oh sorry ive got smth on tonight" etc. it sure is frustrating but... we haf to accept them as they are? cuz.. if they didn wanna hang out with u, it means tt u're just less worthy than anything else tt they were spending their time on. heh. true? yup, solution to that? make sure tt u are worth their time. prolly by making urself more useful to them, or... somehow make ur self look beneficial to them in due course haha.
perhaps its making friendship sound so disgustingly superficial but... tts nature, even tho u've been frens for like 10+ years, if ure deemed as not entertaining enuf, not useful in future, u will still get disqualified to haf their time. haha nope, it works for all frenships, if u totally disagree now, wait for a few years later, and u will uds what i meant.


nonetheless, i still had a few frens left spending time wasting time tgt, which is pretty... ok? given tt my status now looks so fked up. of cuz i uds tt someday they might get rid of me too if i continue to rot like im doing now, heh, i will make sure im worthy b4 tt happens, or, i will make sure it will happen someday and they will get back to me. im cool with tt, after all...i guess im the same too.


okay nxt topic, u've been coming out frm my mouth and in my mind so much more these days, perhaps its due to the fact tt im going through the phase of regret. it is..ok. part and parcel of life but... yea i regretted not keeping u. and i shldnt haf thought so much abt what other ppl will think of us. but well.... since it alrdy happened.... someone else will be able to get me, the me who wld really devote myself to the person who rly cared for me and will not do anything half heartedly. its rly a pity tt it wont be u tho, cuz... u're the one who changed me. nonethelesss, if u will attain a greater happiness, as ive alr said so many times, go ahead girl. i... shld be fine without u.


the only easy day is yesterday, every tomorrow is gonna be challenging but, i'll live. i'll live. i dont give up. i will work harder, day. by. day.

im fine, thank u

met up and hanged out with minhan for q a while jus now and were talking about our past lifes. lol like secondary, jc, uni... etc. thinking back, i've lacked courage for so many occasions and let so many things slipped past. and here i tot im a brave person, well i guess im just full of fear, full of indecisiveness.


perhaps it comes with age, like thinking back how different my life wld be if i did smth different then, hah it wld seem like my whole history wldve changed if my decision was different few years back. and yup ive talked bout this b4 but today is prolly the first time i actually talked to sme1 and gave it much more thought


went home and felt empty again, haha of coz with all the regrets trying to get me down and with no one there to make me feel better. Even tho i shldve been used to it by now but...lol i guess it still hurts no matter how many times it has been. nonetheless, its a cold world we're living in and i am pretty much the same as everybody else out there. so ive got to help myself up. ive gotta be pick myself up.




so here i am now. same old place. same old spot. but yup be positive, be thankful. im glad tt i haf such supportive family, im glad to haf supportive friends, im glad tt i had the strength to go through all these. it sucks but ill try my best to make it out of all these. and when it ends, ill smile. ill try my best to smile everyday and be a happy person.




-like this, another day passed. thoughts of u kept coming to my mind whenever im talking abt anything. tho....i shldve been glad tt i left u at tt spot, if not it cldve hurt so much more. n i do wonder wld u think of me at times too, wld u be reminded of us at those places tt we've been to tgt? if u do, I hope tt u wld do it with a smile, if so, I'll sincerely thank u. and ill oso work hard on my side so dont worry.


im fine. thank u.

the flip side.

lol. so there goes that opportunity. and i was thinking that this couldve been their goal from the start. how easy it must haf been, jus a few messages and u wld want me to change my mind?






well yes im desperate but... stilll, i duno. im afraid of making the wrong choices again. thus i decided to listen to the people around me this time. ill.. give it one more try. one more wait. even tho im really running on a short edge right abt now.


just as before, the end tt looked like its gonna be within my reach, suddenly disappeared into thin air. and then i haf to start all over again.


 lol nonetheless, ill be fine. im cy.


yea. time for a beer.

that ending.

perhaps i shldve been glad. perhaps i shldve cursed my fate, cursed whatever tt made things this way. but well, its a matter of perspective.
'hope' is something tt helps u move forward, thinking tt there is smth worth fighting for at the end of the tunnel. while at the same time, tt 'hope' could haf led u fighting for eons and then finally ending up at the same place where we started.
with all hope lost, we will stop moving in tt direction and thus able to focus on other stuff tt might've led to better returns. so i guess i shld be thankful tt the cold harsh fact was slapped into my face. TWICE. within this short span of time.


keep moving, keep fighting, keep climbing. tts my motto. but well, there are times wher i felt so low, felt so empty to the point where i forgot abt my motto totally.
at least for now, yes, knock me down. kick me. throw shit into my face. i wont give up. ill rise back up, and when i do, i wont forget those who were wif me, and those who werent. not tt im gonna kick u outta my life but ill keep u close to me. as the saying goes, keep ur frens close,and keep ur enemies closer. ill bring u sorrow tt u wld nv expect.


so yes. a little cliche but yup, to my family, thank u for being with me when im in this state, i will try my best to repay u ppl. and to those other ppl, :) be ready.


thank u and goodbye.

that push that pull.

same old same old. tried to be more constructive today but it didn seem to work.  its all in the mind they say, and it aint nice to feel a pull and then a push within such a short time frame. its like my brain's constantly being made a fool.


nonetheless, i shlve jus concentrated, as tt girl said, on whatever im doing and not bother about everything else. and as cy has explained, we only haf 2 hands, tt is only enuf to hold what rly mattered to us: it aint enuf to hold everything around us in place. do what we can, do what we needa do.


well interview's coming up and it seemed pretty bleak cuz... i jus dont haf enuf shit in me to puke out during interviews. lol im very bad at impressing ppl cuz im actually pretty honest out there. ill go for it tho, and... keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities out there. as for my torn and tatterred heart. i wonder why its starting to bother me after so many mths. perhaps i haf a limit too, perhaps i cant be cold as i wanted to be.


well i shld be happy? cuz the scenerio i planned for u worked out the way i wanted to. tho i didn planned tt i wldve been so down. but nonetheless. at least one of us are happy, so economically speaking, ive acheived efficiency.


as for me, ill continue to work hard.( i hope) and ill nv gif up and rot by the side of the road. till we meet again my heart, u rly needa stop getting in my way k thx.

here i am.

here. i am reminiscing bout the past. doing some reflections and stuff. of cuz ppl wld say we shld look forward and dont keep dwelling on the past. well i wld say tts pretty correct but of cuz, everything now, and everything in future is constructed by ur past. tts wad having past case studies and historical analysis is important, wif the gist of not commiting the same mistake again.


ive made mistakes. so many of em. even though, at tt point of time, ive made careful thoughts abt each choice, i felt tt they haf been so wrong.


however, u wld nv know? cuz even if i didn made tt choice then, smth worse cldve happened, and mayb, something greater wldve happen later despite the setback now.


nonetheless, i woke up thinking to myself today, its.. a public holiday, i wld rather spend my time feeling lonely tgt wif my parents rather than going out and making myself more lonely, and also my parents more lonely. heh, since other ppl seem to haf so much fun outside, it wld prolly make me feel worse if i was out there looking at them having fun isnt it?


i guess i chose this lonely path unknowingly, a few mths ago. i was so tired of hanging out with ppl and i tot i wanted alone time so much. i wanna be selfish n jus be on my own. but i guess im jus suffering the results of my decisions then, which....may not be wrong. cuz those connections with other ppl cld work both ways.
1) they cld be chains binding you to the ground and preventing u frm achieving ur goals.
2) they cld be motivations to keep u going even when the odds were against u


well yup it depends on urself ultimately but i guess i tend to be the kind who MIGHT give up everything jus to be wif tt person, and tt cld ultimately lead to my demise. so since im alone now, i can jus keep going forward and upwards. i hope.


so yea, even tho u're still constantly on my mind these days, i cant. i noe i wont be able get u back anyway, so might as well, try my best and get up there to find someone else.


i wont hate myself. i must not hate myself.

it's painful.

It hurts. Lol like my stomach's hurting like hell and I Sincerely hope tt it will go away soon. Nth much to update anw, and HAF loads of shit to do which I haven done. So tts bad.

Just wanted to say this, CY nv gives up. Cy hates losing. It may seem tt I gave up, but I'm jus taking a step back and will look for a Gd chance to step back into the game. Heh.tts how it goes. But wait it hurts arghf my stomach. Lol. Take care.. I'll come get the world after.... My stomach gets better.


Arghfs

bad.

just as i thought that the end is near, i realised tt its not near after all. i've to start over again and go round and round in circles. as if life wasnt hard enuf, i lost my spare wallet wif like abunch of money inside.-_- and i wasnt even drunk. wtf. i guess life jus hated the pure fact tt im trying hard to get up and jus hoped tt i will lie down there and cry and jus give up and stop trying.


or mayb life has something so great for me tt ive to go through ALLLLLLL these shit to get to it. tho frankly speaking. im thankful to haf parents who were willing to feed me with food and letting me leech em out for SOO bloody long. though i dont get to eat all them awesome food, i was made sure tt i wasnt hungry. so its awesome. im rly rly eager to repay em for everything but.... life jus didn wan me to yet. perhaps they are also being tested.


well ive dreamt of u again.and tts stupid. fking brain. y cant u gif me tt kind of feeling like 5 mths back, sighh well. as much as i tried to go out and haf fun. im jus getting more damaged instead of trying to heal myself. its tiring, its painful. its hard. but i guess ill live through since...im awesome heh.


its a saturday and ive spent it sleeping at home. how awesome. cy... how awesome.. and heres to a boring week ahead cuz... im running outta money. fuck me. lol

that girl.

perhaps i liked you the most since we've spent so much  time tgt. and... it was really really painful for me during tt point of time but. i guess nw, we're pretty much " okok frens" and perhaps tt ending aint too shabby. i rmb wad i liked abt u, being a random girl who had so much rubbish tt we cld talk abt. always not ashamed to express ur hunger. tt girl whom i wanted to protect so much, i guess she is not here anymore. wad i see now is someone else. just...someone else. its pretty boring listening to wad u had to say, and yea, perhaps u jus didn looked as pretty as b4. or mayb ive just had a change of heart.
WHICH IS PROBABLY GOOD cuz tt point of life was pretty bad since i had to drown all my emotions with sO much alcohol and hanging out and stuff. now i can rly say im not into u. anw thx for becoming tt way, since we aint meant for each other anyway.


so, nxt, ure pretty much just a name to me nowadays. even tho i rmb how i liked ur personality, how u tried to maintain a stoic face even tho ure burning inside. heh we're so similar and yet so different. but i guess it cldve been just a fleeting feeling frm tt moment. and i really wonder if my heart will still skip a beat for u and ive been wanting to find out. i duno, but i wanted the answer, even tho it may not turn out well, i still hoped tt i can make the ending slightly better and not having us becoming strangers.


lastly. well i was wrong. i think i liked u more than i thought i did. heh but its kinda weird tt we ended with this. lOl and well i dont blame u. im at fault after all lol. it wldve been great if u cldve acquired happiness, tho.. heh. its not gon be forever girl. when ure down and out again, come to me. ill probably still be waiting LOL. since im rly gonna start working towards my future. tt... seemed to be bleak, while at the same time hopeful. it didn end well as well lOL and yea. i wldve wanted it to end better. nonetheless perhaps i shld jus leave u alone for... a good amt of time and see how it goes? when i was finally ready to gif u happiness, ure no longer there. aint tt a joke? to think tt i will fall to tt level.


well nonetheless, i think i shldve pretty much got back on track. with loads of revising to do, loads of self improvement to do, tml shldve been my final party for this arc. and yea ill do well nxt time and not create anymore bad endings. as for those bad endings, im definitely gonna make it well. heh. stay tuned.

i tried.

i've tried hard enuf. i did wad i wanted to i guess. but perhaps it wasnt enuf, perhaps i shldn even do it at all and jus stay home and sucked on my thumb. i tried to haf fun outside and im able to forget abt stuff for like a few hours. perhaps tts good enuf.


i feel tt im back to normal. i feel tt i can go back to my previous lifestyle after wasting 2 weeks of precious studying time.


there are moments where i felt, fk it. i must go out and jus take anything given to me. stepping out is rly the hardest and most impt thing. but...den again i wld hear ppl telling me to dont take shits tts thrown to u. pick the right job. but its difficult since there's a specific job tt i wanna do, and the employers are also choosing me. its hard to find someone who wants me and i want them, just as love. haha.


i shld haf recovered. even tho i still feel sore and weak everywhere. i thnk i can walk now, smile now, enjoy the sun now. i must recover, i must become the object of envy, i must live up to my expectations and regain the power in my name.

A day

so today was like the first day tt Im actually working hard to get rid of my other lame feelings and it didn rly worked out.  Thoughts of u just kept popping up in my head,  Well. Surely I didn expect tt to happen but... Since it happened.. I can't help it.


talking to frens, hanging out with them, was slightly helpful heh but perhaps ill need more time? :)





and last night I was desperately finding replacements for u but nope, I realised no one can. or mayb jus no one wanted to. since im the kind who wld jus ignore ppl after i dont haf any use for them. lol.  I was broken when i met u but jus when i thought im ready and all better? u broke me again.


lol someday someone willl fix me up, but well till then ill try to do it myself.





Well. Tml's prolly gonna be a bad day but i gotta make it better as much as I guess I'm the only one in control of my tomorrow.


Heh. I nv knew how impt u are to me only after ure no longer in my reach. Ain't it ironically fked up? and now im like a whiny old little baby saying "come back come back". tt is so bloody stupid. hehe.

perhaps.

perhaps i cld move on frm there. it still kinda hurts but talking with ppl... kinda helps. esp... u noe? heh. well i... have been drinking since... last week? i guess my mind's only clear when i.. haf enuf alcohol in my body. few hours back i kept telling myself. " yea...  im gonnna be okay. yea i shld be able to move on soon." but of cuz there are moments where i told myself. " argh fk. i need somebody"


well.... i hope tt i cld move on of cuz. and.... yea.. i will work harder. I suppose what's left was jus... Regret, and the feeling of losing. Tt is why it's pushing me so far. I guess it's too late. I think I mght HAf had enuf alcohol. I'll......... Jus slp. Lol.

The only time I felt okay was when I was drinking and when I was sleeping.,other than tt, I felt pretty much like I'm not alive.

alternating.

im simply alternating between hope and despair. i said im okay. and the nxt moment im like fuck this. and then a while later, i told myself  "no bro..u gon be fine"


studying became so hard. and i can barely breathe normally. i guess its just tt kind of feeling again.. tt feeling ive alrdy experienced so many times, and i still cant get used to it. its.. a shame to let u go but... of cuz i will try to get u back. and of cuz. i must let u go if i cant get u back. pulling u anymore wldve been too much lol. not to mention tt ive alrdy crossed tt line so many times. but yea. one final push. i suppose.


well it depends on my mood too. heh =) ill need my frens. i need them to b with me. if not.. i supppose i might be too depressed and i wont be able to concentrate on anything. tt fking cfa staring at me too. argh.


what timing cy... if only u felt like this... 3 mths back? or mayb 4. fuck u like seriously dumb fker lol.

where am i.

so its tuesday. its been.. a week of mourning. heh. i wonder wad the hell is wrong with me. randomly started thinking of u. randomly getting ignored. randomly doing all sorts of stupid things. randomly feeling emo and losing momentum of everything i had.
havent been able to slp well these days so it sucked. and i cant seem to slp well w/o alcohol too. perhaps ive jus been making wrong choices...day by day. but nonetheless.. nobdy knows if it is wrong until someday in the future.


if fate brings us together again. be assured. this time. i wont let u go.


tt said... i sincerely hope tt i can get back to my schedule soon. i guess i need a new life routine so tt i dont feel so dead.


end of the day. fuck me.
and i hope these bad stuffs will be over soon. i want to smile and laugh like everyone else do. why did i not haf any of these rights.

The cy.

with the myraid of loserish emo lame posts these days rly got me thinking wad happened. So let's analyse this logically and try to make some science out of these.

I guess ive always thought tt someone would be there for me if I asked. TT u are still waiting for me. And well I almost forgot how long it has been and how I've treated u. And perhaps u're RLY disgusted wif me. Nonetheless, after a few months of concentrating on smth, and then I had to face a rly tough choice. I guess tts when I feel so stressed up coz tt decision cldve been life changing and thus I rly needed someone to talk to. Someone... I will feel comfortable wif, someone who will rly be happy for me if I did well. Someone like u. Hence I cldnt control myself any further. And TT is when I realised; nope, u don't gif no shit no more. I SHLDVE been cool abt it but well i guess it's jus tt these days, I'm feeling down and this adds to the damage perhaps.

So I'll try to be cool and say this, this is ur best chance girl, come claim it b4 I change my mind again.  Not tt u care but ok haha. I'm CY. I'm not the kind to just lose like this. I hated losing so damn much. And.. I've been losing so many times these days, and it's rly bringing me down.

So these days, I'll still try to live normally, I'll try to smile I'll try to joke, I'll try to make ppl laugh. As for u, I can only leave it to fate, chance, stats or Wadever tt will make u b reminded of me and wanted to U noe, try me out again.

If not, I'll jus keep living, try to accomplish my tasks and try to... Love again in future.
Annyeong.

temperamental

So it's an on and off thing. I said I'm gon be fine today, and tml Im jus gonna do things tt make me feel like a bloody loser. I suppose karma got the better of me. But well fuck me. Cuz I'm a fucked up bastArd. And I actually started asking help frm God. LoLs wad a joke I'm becoming.

Well nonetheless I feel pretty damaged now, but life still goes on. I've been living w/o u ppl for say...4-5 mths.? I shld get used to it.
I must get used to it, if not I don't see how I'm gonna make it out alive heh.

I've been strong for too long tt I forgot how to depend on others
I've been lonely for too long tt I forgot how warm a hug can be.

Foolish

well I promised myself and my FrEN tt I won't be texting u any further. But apparently, under the effect of some alcohol, heh. FK. I can't control myself too. I can pray I can hope I can promise, but sometimes my wishing to see u gets uncontrollable. I tot tt I won't ever be tt weak but apparently.. I've been pretty fucked up. Mayb I am the kind who wld regret decisions after all.

Of. Cuz I hoped tt u cld listen to all tt I wanted to say to u. Of Cuz I rly wanted to hang out wif u for... A pretty long amount of time. But, mayb I'll forget all Abt it tml, mayb I'll REMB this sadness for a year, mayb I will...jus continue to be a fked up piece of shit for very very long. But
I.. Do RMB every single thing abt us. I RMB everything abt u. I still wanna hang out wif u. For now. Heh. I'm sorry for everything, I wanna make up for it... Please... If there is a god.. Make her gimme a chance PLS.? This is for our sake, it's 2 ppl's happiness.


Nonetheless, if u, almighty decided otherwise, Ive tried my best. I... Will be okay... In a few mth or weeks... Or maybe a year.? Arghs fuck me.

logical.

hi today its the logical cy blogging.


hmm to catch up with my life, even tho ive been blogging, it has been those.. u noe, some lame stuff.
so...today ive made my choice, careerwise. as mentioned before... the highroad tt i was talking about. of cuz the risk is a little bit too high, but.. its smth tt i rly wanted to do. or at least try. perhaps it was too early, perhaps i shldn haf been so impatient and jus accept this conspicious job.


as the law of finance(self-proclaimed) stated, high risks comes with high returns. so, if i didn haf the courage to take tt risk, i.. wouldnt be moving forward. i may lose some things, but if  it goes well, i wld gain much more than anyone else did.


if it didn go well, i hafta say, i wldve gained some experience and u noe, i will simply.. continue my job hunt, and of coz prolly at the opportunity cost of a few thousand dollars.(like if i'd gotten a more proper job) ive gotta say, the experience will..bring me somewher. somewhere tt i rly wanted to go to.


ppl always say tt i didn noe what i want. tt is pretty untrue. i knew what i wanted. i wanted perfection. i wanted a risk-free + low skill requirement job while at the same time, high paying. tt wldve been anyone's ideal i guess. but the world jus wont spin it tt way.


so its fine. im...gonna go for it and den see how it goes? of cuz i hafta pray tt it will go towards the more ideal side.




okay tt is pretty much done abt updating abt my life. im prolly gonna list out a buncha stuff tt i didn blogged abt abt my past. so yea, u cld stop reading the below part since its jus some whiny shit. =)


hi annyeong. tt cy is back. the...u noe, weak one.


few mths ago, tt cy told me, if u wanna succeed, u hafta cut away all the distractions tt cldve stopped u frm achieving it. and hence, i...did. i didn noe if its worth it cuz, i dont think theres any equation tt cldve solved this properly.
i tried focusing on studying, i cut u off cuz of so many reasons. 1) i dont even noe if im even absorbing enuf. (2) Perhaps a motivation in life cldve helped me


no one noes the correct answer, only until its too late. perhaps i shldve been less strict. i shldnt try so hard to be god. after all, im still clad in this human flesh, and skin, and erm, u noe human heart. i duno. i dont know. sometimes smth will jolt my memory and ill start doing alot of things to bring back what i decided to throw away. tts stupid. but i guess its humane.
nonethelesss, when i cant bring it back, i.. lose heart, lose slp, lose will, lost almost everything tt kept me hanging. but i.. somehow lived through it.


a few days of drinking n emo-ing(pretty much on my own) and jus doing nth much at home prolly helped but... i cant guarantee u tt it wont happen again but at least now.. im probably able to control myself. protect u. frm. me.


this thought came to me these few days, here goes,
" im grateful tt u were there hanging out with me when i was down and out. entertaining my whimsical demands. trying ur best to accomodate to my unreasonableness and my uselessness and selfishness etc. however.. those days are over. now im so willing to give u back tenfold of what u tolerated. perhaps its too late. perhaps its not. i.. may never ever noe the answer but. know this, im.. thankful for all the fun and memories we made tgt. im thankful for ur efforts to make me happier.


and of cuz im sorry tt i pushed u away due to prolly my own selfishness. but. if ure happy now den its all okay. but of cuz. remember, u...cldve came back to me and i will give u nth but happiness this time, no less than anyone else cld gave u.


so tts tt. if u come back u will see. if u dont, ill haf to gif what i owed u to someone else. and tts pretty sad. goodbye. take care. sorry and thank u."




okay i hope after ive said all those, ill be able to move on. cuz... my life ( if nth fking sad happens) is gonna get exciting 2days frm now and i hope i wont haf the time to emo any longer.


so please. god. or wadever. please stop letting me experience sorrow. its... rly enuf please. im.. already way stronger than any other human. let. me. live. happily OKAY.?! _|_

tt irony.

well. ive been wanting to find my humanity back but. i guess i cant. i said i wanna leave, and im the only one who wanted to come back. why.


fking cy. wads wrong wif u. i rly dont uds ur course of actions. perhaps im jus prideful. perhaps theres some other reason but... nonetheless.. its gotta stop.


i cant do anything now. why. i dont know.it feels like im living but im not alive. i... wanna break out of this. if not my humanity is so gonna die off.


i am hopeful. i am strong. i must... endure. i will survive.






Part II
Had a good long talk wif Darek. I guess he reminded me of one thing. U were there when i was down and out. and I.. Pushed u away cuz I'm still in a state of fking mess. Now... I'm finally in a pretty much steady state but... Ure alr not there,  no matter how I called for u. Why.

Well if u've alr attained happiness whereby I'm not in the equation, fine. I'll... Wish u all the best I guess. Since tt is all I cldve done. If not, if ure still wandering ard out there, come to me, and claim UR just rewards. I... Loved u,






Haha. Wad a pathetic state i was in. Wake the FK up cy.



Oh btw this post was like edited 3-4 times at diff time intervals and thus the seemingly split in personality heh. But well I guess, a side of me seems so needy and the logical side of me was fighting hard to u noe, telling myself to stop being such a pussy. Hai. Tt Debate going on within my mind lol.




Haiii.

new day,

after much drinking ytd night. im feeling the after effects argh.
well.... i guess its jus me. running on a short edge ytd. there shldnt be anything felt. i didn lose anything. But tt sorrow... Well it's humane.. Perhaps.? Yes i should. wake up. get up.


and then keep moving.

Some ppl prefer taking the high road and the others wld take the smooth one. Perhaps my life never meant to be normal. I've been wanting a normal life, and perhaps now im thinking of taking the risk. Since the law of the world is as follows, high risk high return. I suppose I shld do it b4 I grow older, b4 Im afraid of risks.

I'm gonna go, and probably leave behind everything else. My past, doesnt matter. I am my now, and I will decide my future.

sorrow.

Sorrow occurs when the person u left behind is actually living a better life than you are. they said tt the best revenge to that person who hurt you is to live well, and live better than he did. i nv did expect tt one day, i wldve been the one who was the victim of tt sentence.


ive always wanted to be the giving end of that revenge, but results showed tt i....i havent moved forward. and infact, im...probably deteoriating. tt sucked.


beer. i wonder why is it tt whenever i feel bad, i wld crave for beer. and here i am now, sipping on the beer while at the same time thinking about what i shld be doing for my future. went for a few interviews and im seeing the tough side of life. rejections. over and over. failing to perform for interviews, blank mind, zoning outs. i wonder why all of tt is happening to me.


jus as i was feeling a little lost, i wanted u to comfort me. i wanted someone... jus anyone to be by my side to listen to what i haf to say. but... i suppose i was too late.
i shldve been happy, tt u moved on. but why... am i feeling this now. perhaps im jus retarded, contrary to what i tot i am. i. am. retarded. i only realize my loss when....its tooo late.


fuck me. yes fuck me.


tml shld be another challenging day with another job knocking on my door. though all of em aint what i rly wanted... i.. guesss i shld just open tt door and.. step out of it instead of jus doing it in my mind.




let us pray tt today is the only day in which i will feel fked up. pls. let me recover and go back on my track tml. please.






fuck me.

what time is it.

jus as i thought, ok..im moving forward.


den "pam" back to starting point.


i.. gotta go finish up my studies and not waste my brain thinking about those things tt doesnt matter.

Forging ahead.

How long has it been, neh not gonna start counting. Went to the dentist last week and realized tt I've actually gt q a few tooth decays. Tt is soOooO... Sad lol. Coz each decaying tooth would cost so much to take care of. Omg. Luckily this is gonna be heavily subsidized by my dad so.. Putting the pain aside. I think it's gon be ok. It's gon be ok..
I'm waiting for my turn to do my teeth again. Haha. The 2nd round wher I'm gonna get my tooth drilled and grinded and filled. Jus thinking abt it makes me scared.-_- but nonetheless I'm gg forward.

Finally went for an interview last fri. It was... So badly done. I guess I can't think straight when under some pressure and I am rly not sure of wad I wanted in life. The interviewer must've thought wad a loser this guy is. But nonetheless, I think I've gained valuable experience frm this. I'm pretty thankful for it. Btw this job opening is rly good.. And I flunked the interview. I doubt the next few jobs wont be able to even come close to this one. Heh.

I'll put in more effort. I'll be sure tt I know what I want in life and even though I don't, I'll pretend tt I know. I can do it yay.








ok im done with the shit. its surprisingly pretty painless. mayb the person who cleaned my teeth was too rough and conditioned me to the pain. it felt pretty awkward but. i guess its gonna be fine.


bought loads of stuff tho. kinda happy but the money... arghs. i rly wanna get a job soon.
i..really noe what i want now. =)

My heart

"I am finding out that maybe I was wrong

That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long

Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you"

any idea wad song this is.? Lol. U noe when u like a song, u will Tryta relate it's lyrics to ur own life. Or mayb u will start liking a song tt u feel tt u cld relate ur life to. 

Ytd and today was pretty.. Constructive. Was able to exceed my targeted quota of reading thru my books. Well not to mention tt I did slack off q a bit here and there but at least I'm at a faster pace. 

Den I started thinking to myself. Wad is it tt cld be waiting for me in the end. Like, I've faced failure so many times, I've worked hard and failed too, and wad I gave up these few months for, may simply jus result in another failure. And den god or Wadever will jus point at me and laugh again, tgt wif my family and frens. "What an idiot"..

Relating back to the song, my memories abt my past deeds do come back to haunt me every once in a while, like "hey dumbass. Look at wad u are now, did u imagine urself bcoming like this few yrs back?" Well it felt bad tt even I start looking down at myself, tho I'm in a pretty, undesirable position, it didn feel all bad, it's.. Comfortable at least, so perhaps I shldn take these for granted and I rly needa start thanking my parents for willing to keep this pest at home. 

A foul mouthed brat tts rotting their money away.

And of cuz, all the happenings regarding u. I noe, tt I've alrdy... U noe, vanished completely. But at least on my side, I'll jus rmb u by myself.

My heart used to beat for only u. I left it at ur side but u decided to kick it into the bin, it's fine.  Till then. Someday someone will help me haf a heart again.

But until then, don't blame me. For being cold.

just living.

U ever had tt kind of realization, tt ure kinda outta time. I'm mega behind time and I haf so many things to do. Well... Thinking back, these few mths wasn't all bad and I felt gd tt I actually made a few right choices for gods sake. At least I felt tt they are the right choices. Tt is taking up cfa and quitting the fking spinelli job. I think I shldnt haf went back in the first place but, at least I'm outta the shit.

Sry for not being honest.but if i was honest, wld u guys let me go? Hah. I've gotta look out for myself man, too bad. And... Sry for seemingly wanting to cut off all contact. Hmm firstly, I don't q wanna blow the bubble, and I don't q enjoy having to live in a lie. So, pardon me. If I can't live honestly wif u, I don't q wanna be near u.
Same goes to all my other frens out there. I wonder wads wrong but, I'm contradictory. I wanna maintain our frenship but I don't q wanna meetup wif u ppl. Of cuz I'm tired of those inquiries abt my current status. I felt so fked up. But, I'm feeling so comfortable abt myself for some reason. Perhaps tts y I'm starting to erect a wall around myself, blocking ppl out.

Tts one. But, a day will come, where the gates will open.. I guess. And I'll run around again. And when tt time comes, I'm worry abt my mum lol. Will she die of boredom? Since.. I've been staying home for so long loL.

Oh bout cfa. Heh. I didn q expect myself to be slackin for so long. Since I've been dying to get a job since wad... May.? Tts pretty sad but at least I've got some pretty decent goal in mind all these while. So.. Yes oh wait.

I'm outta time. Gotta go back to study. Prolly update the post if smth comes to my mind.
Teheh.:|

birthdays.

jus came back after passing mhao's present to him. well working ppl are tired ppl. and i rly wanna go home to do my own stuff too so we didn waste alot of time talking abt those tt didn rly mattered.


well he's prolly the only fren ive gave presents to this year. ok fine. the only fren frm the clique ok. how shld i say it. i dont think im particularly close to him, or is he particularly close to me these years. or shld i say mayb we werent rly sOooo damn close who wld share like the darkest secrets and stuff. our frenship may haf gotten slightly pulled further these years since u noe, we're going thru diff things in sch and we dont meet up often, and everytime we meet, its always with a whole bunch of other ppl. heh.


so why so special. not to mention tt he's the first new fren i had in sec sch, which.. aint rly tt much, and our bday's are like 6 days apart. heh. which i tot might be why i felt the familiarity with him more, like u noe, the horoscope thingy lol. i feel tt our characters are pretty much similar, jus tt u noe, he's living a better and smoother life than me of cuz, but it feels tt, if things didn go wrong for me then, we wld most probably be going thru similar paths.


yes unfortunately, i dont noe why, it jus happens. one by one, things happened. pulled me from my original path, further frm my original planned path and further frm my other frens as well. tts plenty saddening. back to the present topic, yea our bdays are pretty close, so the memory of the disappointment wldve always be so vivid to the point where i wouldnt wan him to experience the same.
u noe, i rly love presents. and now... im receiving so damn little. arghs.


okay okay. next topic
there are many moments in ur life whereby ure required to make impt decisions, and tt decision wld rly affect ur next few years of life. ive... made so many wrong choices, or was it rly wrong? nobdy knows. nobody knew. and as quoted frm cy, "if u didn try u wont know if it will work. if it worked, u wldve been able to be able to brag abt it all day long. if it didn work, at least u tried, and u know tt it rly wont work" heh. so tts my answer to anybody who wanted to ask me if i haf any regrets. and yes, the final answer is : No.


yea jus cuz too many ppl haf been asking me if ive regreted my past choices, tts plenty...annoying.

Optimistic

Ytd was my bro's wedding n I had to get drunk again. Puking all over and making a mess everywhere. Well. I Duno y but I totally can't grasp my limit at all even after so many times. And it seems tt my limit is going lower and lower. So tts sad.
drinking is smth tt I rly like, but.. If I can't drink, It wld make me feel so bad. But well... Let's see how it goes ba. Most likely no more alcohol for a few days. LOL.

Nonetheless, I met up wif Daniao this afternoon. Had a pretty nice catchup session, well mre like I'm jus doing most of the talking, since.. U noe, I've had a pretty sad life these few years so, I'm jus saying Wadever I wanna say lol. Come to think of it, I don't think i heard much of his life.. Heh oh wells. So apparently he's doing smth tt I wanted to do, Meeting up wif frens who'd not been in contact for a long while, even tho I'm not sure if his intentions are tt pure given his current job. But I shall gif him the benefit of the doubt since today rly did end up as a pure catchup session.


Well.. I guess tts abt it for now. Will update again when I haf the mood haha.

still the same.

Practically rotted the whole day today since it's my bday. And met up with my frens for dinner. It was pretty... Boring as predicted. U noe, even tho there are moments of laughter, of joy. There are also a few awkward silent moments. Can't blame tho, after all we're in this awkward stage of transition between  student life and working life. And most likely, we'll be in different industries tt might lead to  u noe, lacking in common topics.

It's pretty sad tt even as we, frens of 12+ years, start feeling awkward hanging out together. Perhaps it's jus me, perhaps it's the same for everyone. I mean, we've been thru so much shit together, are we gonna start falling apart soon.?
Heh. Well.. It's 2+am and I can't slp. Thus I'm jus updating abt stuffs. To my dear frens... I do cherish each and everyone of u. But... Until the day I'm able to hold my head up high, ok fine jus bring able to hold my head up, I will.. Ok I've said it so many times.. I wanna share my life story wif u. And I hope u will wanna share too. Each. And. Every. Single. One of u.

To all those who didn wish me a happy bday. I do wonder if it's because u didn bother, u didn noe, or u intentionally chose not to.. It's fine. Since I was the heartless one, I'll get back to u ppl. One way or another. Some day.:))


Though I've always been saying the same things these days.. I'm still hopeful for a better tomorrow. No matter how long it will take, I. Will. Be optimistic.
As quoted frm my dad. I shld be glad enuf tt I'm still alive and kicking with no health problems whatnot. All the other things tt ain't in my grasp.. I shldn be too sour abt it, hahaha k fine, he ain't tt wise, he merely said the thing abt "I shld be glad tt I'm still living". I added the rest of it. Teh heh.


I'll find u. When I'm ready.

watashi no o'tanjobi

was trying to read my bday's post frm last year but it seems like i didn post anything last year.
perhaps... i was too sad then?? heh. well, ill try to remember frm my memories then.


okie, last yr... if im not wrong... i planned to disclose the fact tt i retained to my family..so yups t on the 4/9/2013, i was drinkin saporo beer with my fren. heehee, as the last celebration or whatnot.


for the last few years, ive wished for the same thing, "please attain happiness by ur nxt bday and nt be like this 'me' nxt year"
well.. this year... nth much changed, other than the fact tt ive.. finally officially graduate... im still pretty much far away frm my happiness. of cuz my happiness wld include.. hmm mayb having loadsa frens celebrating my bday with me, having a special someone to spend it with... and such.


 well... if ive to rank my bday's it gets worse year by year instead of... u noe... improving. ive got like zero bday well wishes at 12am this year.. tts pretty..sad.. makes me start to wonder wad went wrong u noe, as im someone who rly cherishes events like bdays.


even tho my bday's gon be pretty much of a bore, ill try to keep whatever in stall for me as.. a surprise?? tt is more like an obligation since ill be meeting my frens tml night.. yes they are all working alrdy and im still trapped unemployed ( todays my last day in spinelli but i shall blog abt tt nxt time) so yea, i hope its not gon be tt awkward and stuff.


tch. even with tt "special day" amt of beer, i still feel pretty normal. so tt sucked.
but.. n0netheless, i shall make a few bday wishes.. i..


1) rly hope tt i wld find a steady job and then start re-meeting my long lost frens ( in fact all of em)
2) of cuz to find a special girl who wld share her heart with me
3) haf less bad stuff happening to me


welll all in all... happy birthday to me !! ill most likely update tml;?? if theres anything worth mentioning... if nt.. u gotta wait prolly a few weeks more. teh heh

September.

How time flies, it's September again. My Favourite month of the year, wher it's no longer tt hot and stuff. Rly looking forward to leaving the job. It's.. Gon be a load off my chest. The prolonged suffering is finally stopping and this time, I guess I haf no regrets. After all.. I didn even noe why I bothered giving 4mths of my life to them, while I've been trying to improve tt place, things did change, but I'm pretty sure tt the people didn. So it's jus gonna fall back into the same patterns, same routine.. Heh.

Ive tried. I worked hard. I rly did my best. If u guys didn manage to learn anything frm me, it's.. Sad but oh well.

Hmm, The past year has been pretty.... Oh wait, I'll keep tt for my Thursday's post. Hahaha.

So for now Ill jus do a mini countdown on my own, I won't say tt "yays life's gon be hell lots of better", cuz, it may not be. Change can be painful, change can be slow, change is difficult but, if we don't change we can't improve, if we don't fight we can't win, if I lose, I'll jus fight again. If i keep failing... Well I'll jus scold some vulgarities, drink some alcohol and.. Emo for a while.. And den see how it goes.? Lol but the point is u noe, if u don't try u won't know, if ure resistant to change,  ure bound to get stucked in a shithole, a swamp, a pool of quicksand, sooner or later.

Hence! Pls.. Let it be fast, let it be smooth. I think I've alrdy had enuf of sucky parts of life. Tho I do haf myself to blame but, pls.? Lemme be happy soon. I'm rly dying for it.

I'm so eager to leave omfg.

Tt twist of fate

Lol was jus going home after work and u noe, being fked by the crowded bus. And wif a weary body, beat-up look. In tt bus tt I wanna take, I saw a familiar face. Oh tt pretty face. Well I ain't ready yet, not ready to converse wif u yet.

Heh. Ain't tt life.? When.. U rly wanted to see someone, u don't see her even if u tried so hard to go outta ur way and go the longer route in order to see tt person, u don't get to. When, u hoped tt u won't Hafta see tt person, she will jus appear at the most random places, at the most awkward moments. Lol.

Well putting tt aside, pretty upset tt I wasn't able to help, well, I Hafta be stone hearted after all. Tho u guys haven't been...real nice... U guys ain't tt bad either. so. I will resist. Resist it till I can throw in my apron, or smth like tt. Hahha. Looking forward but, I'm pretty certain tt... I'm gonna be so disappointed on nxt thur. Tt sad day. Even tho I promised myself last year tt I wld be happy this year. I didn fufill it. And apparently... The past year has been.. Pretty much sad and mre boring than the previous one. Let's jus pray tt the turning point is near, things will be looking up pretty soon.?

Even tho I won't break just yet, wldnt hurt to jus let me smile happily for once.?

Lies.

Ok. so I had to lie again. I finally decided tt it was time for me to go for real. Disregarding the fact tt they wld be so shorthanded and stuff, im not gonna walk in their shoes, think frm their perspective this time. If I don't start doing things for myself, who would. So yea, I had to harden my heart and I had to rip u ppl out.
Lie, I lied. So tt u ppl can let me go peacefully, well since i don't think u ppl wld be able to understand how I feel, I haf to do it this way. Yea I quit my job jus becoz I wanna to but I lied tt I've alr gotten a permanent job offer, so tt they wld let me go without pulling my hind leg.

It's rly sticky, this job tt is, i wld always unconsciously go the extra mile to do my job wel, tho other ppl may not think so, one day they will, or if they aren't the kind who will try to look at things frm other ppl's view.. Well too bad. Few days left.. Can't wait to jus get the hell outta this shit.

Felt sour, sad tt I'm unable to help & Unable to share but well, I noe wad went wrong, I uds how u feel. Listen to those who failed and not those who passed, as they won't noe the exact reason as to how they did it; and the failures rly do reflect upon their past actions. Lol wad was I saying.

As a human we only haf a brain and 2 hands. And one freaking body tt has q limited Amt of physical capabilities. Not to mention only 24hrs per day. There is only so much u can do, filling up ur whole schedule may make u feel tt "oh my fking life is so fufilling" but well, sometimes things jus don't work out the way u planned for. My calculations were pretty much spot on, I missed by a little bit, but tt little bit actually made a huge difference in my life. Tt... Miserable 2 points..cost me 1year of my life, and a huge part of my social group.

Haaha. So wads the main point.. Oh sometimes even wif precise calculations, there will be one or 2 unexpected events tt wld tweak ur calculations slightly off ur expectations and tt may haf a huge ass impact in ur life.
thus, do wad u can, and not ALL tt u wanna do. Cuz at the end of the day, ppl will jus "wow.awesome. Ok" when u survived all tt shit but if u failed to do so, they wld gif u tt freaking look and say "see, I told u. U shldve done this done tt blabla bla" all those fkin ppl.

Ure stronger than other ppl, jus tt the things u took up.. Was alittle bit too much for urself, and there's tt fking negative externality tt affected ur performance. Discard some of those stuff tt gif u "satisfaction" and focus on those necessities instead k. :(
Ure smart, ure strong, a superior human, but perhaps ur emotions got the better of u.

Well. Tt goes for u too cy.
Omg I'm so looking forward to nxt week. I wanna start doing things for myself., instead of helping others and not getting any returns.

You cannot advance.

can't sleep. For fks sake and I've gotta wake up early tomorrow. Re-read those old posts and it reminded me of those happy times. Well.. It made my heart flutter again.:)) It has been so ambiguous. If I've attacked at the right timing, wld things had been different.? If I cld see this future, wld I have been able to act differently.? I've hated rejections and failures. I've hated putting in effort becoz I wld feel very demoralized when things I worked for didn turn out the way I hoped for. I've been optimistic, ive always told myself tt "if I've tried harder, I wldve succeeded" but frankly speaking, looking back at my records. It's full of failures and I'm like utterly ashamed of myself.

Perhaps the me tt I tot I am didn exist at all and I'm jus a fking loser in every other ppl's eyes. Tt sucked. I rly rly hoped tt I cldve been back into ur life. But I think I've alrdy lost the right to be. I rly wanted to take the step forward, but I noe, there is this wall tt u built wif solid bricks tt alrdy stood between u and I.  Tt sucked too.

Staring at ppl who looked like u always warmed my heart, well I cannot cfm if tt is u but... Regardless, I felt tt it's jus someone.. Who resembles u. How long has it been, I can't rmb. It... Felt like it's been a very long while while...at the same time recent. Perhaps I shldve been braver, perhaps I shldn be tt passive, and irrationale at the end. Well. I miss u. Like rly. I'm screaming to tt wall every now and then, hoping tt u wld hear it.. But I'm pretty certain tt all I see wldve just been those bricks by boring bricks.


Ah.
ill forget abt u again tml, I'll live life like normal, I'll continue striving for my own goals. But today, I'll jus.. Well. Feel moody and stuff. Hah.


Hah.
Cy. U fking joke.

It's just me.

Yea. It's just me who jus can't seem to let go. The feelings always come back and then I will feel like doing smth stupid, only to be stopped by my sanity and logical brain. Tho my brain has a history of making loads of irrationale choices, it seems to be working pretty ok these days. I think.

I wasn't able to achieve anything yet, thus my pride doesn't allow me to u noe, meet up wif old frens and then letting them gif me tt bloody look tt says "wad a poor lowly human" yea. Tt is why. I won't meet u ppl until I'm able to look u ppl straight in the eyes. It felt pretty bad for someone like me to be so short of confidence at the moment but... Someday. I believe I will pick myself up. And when it happens, I'll be sure to get back all of my frens. And mayb.. Getting u back. As a friend.

It's always better to haf more friends right.? Somebody will definitely come in handy on some occasions. Heh. So... Here's to a better life. A future tts worthy of looking forward to. Strive for it cy.



If I see you on the streets one day, shld I say hi to u with a smile and pass u by? Wld u be hoping tt it will never happen.?

well.

well...fk. results are out and i didn get the results i wanted even though i did some last minute praying. my bro and my dad said its fine, but.. i...didn win. thus i aint able to be tt happy about it. makes me wonder if i shldve concentrated on my studies instead of u noe, working my ass off.


1 year worth of debt, a class of honours in my degree...who is able to judge which one of it is more worth it.


imma jus gon let this rest and..live life again tml. arhgf.

escape.

watching running man is rly...helpful. duno if ive alrdy mentioned it b4, regardless of it being exam period, bored period, shitty times. watching it helps me forget abt the shits tt happened, tts abt to happen, and shits tts happening in progress. hahaha.


tt empty feeling, i havent felt it in q a while, cuz previously i had this mind set on doing smth and tt was my goal frm the moment i opened my eyes till the moment i lay down on my bed again.
and then suddenly this thought popped up, wad is waiting for me at the end. given my record, even if i do sacrifice my time, my life, my effort, things dont always turn out the way i wanted, in fact, it always turned out as the worst case scenerio.


tt really sucked big time. even if i do make it, who's gonna be there cheering for me, and if i dont, wld there be anything to pick me up and tell me "its ok, try harder and u will make it" well well. even tho ive lived through so many of these occasions whereby im jus fighting for myself, i still cant get used to it...without anyone to rly share my happiness and sorrow wif.
its just temporary. im just... u noe, ranting out somewhere cuz... i noe ppl wont like hearing other ppl ranting ranting and whining. they like to hear funny stuff, things tt make them feel better abt themselves, if nt they wont even listen. perhaps i am the same, but at least i will try to listen. so... pls listen to me too :|


oh well tt said, i dont quite like giving up without fighting, im stilll gonna go back and study. and even though i dont quite looking forward to my tomorrow, ill... get through it.. and i willl haf a day tt i can look forward to.. someday.


make it happen cy.

Just one of those days.

Oh it's more abt ytd, like, it's national day and stuff and majority of the people were like having fun, watchin fireworks and shit. While my day started wif working wif someone who thinks tt she's pretty damn good and then going home being tired as shit while at the same time not being able to fall aslp.
So after much struggle, I got a short nap and went for a late dinner with my parents. I felt... Pretty bad, in a sense tt why am I home and not with my frens. Den I started thinking, how will my parents feel if even I'm not home.

Nonetheless, after looking through all those social media updates abt all those ppl having fun outside while me staring blankly at my opened textbook( obviously not learning anything new) I start feeling rly sour. Somehow.... After talking some crap with my fren, I felt slightly better but tt is nt enough for me to... U noe, remove the urge for some beer. Had some beer and slept. It felt.. Pretty bad cuz the nxt day I woke up at 6+ for god knows what reason.

Then I start my snail-like process of studying.

Oh, not to mention my bro's gf came over to my house again during my afternoon "nap" and yea I was awakened by the conversation going on outside. Pretty much my mum bitching bout shits. Namely,  my family stuffs, to my bro's gf. Like wtf. As I said to my bro in exact words, bitching is one thing, telling half truths are unacceptable. For most people wld haf this bad impression on this person(due to previous statements made by those fking bitches) and it becomes a self fufilling prophecy whereby u will convince urself tt "yea he/she was right" whereby u merely caught minor hints tt might seem to fit tt impression tt u alrdy haf and... Just... U noe, haf a very bad impression of tt person. If u get wad I meant.
It's bad if ure bring down ur "frenS", colleagues, anyone in ur social group, it's rly intolerable if ure doing it to ur family.

So tt kinda pissed me off and I gave my mum a little punishment to remind her of her lines, don't think it helped but. I had to get it off my chest. Cuz who noes? Tt person saying bad stuff about other ppl will one day start saying stuff abt u behind ur back too. And it's exceptionally hurting if it's someone u trusted so much, someone u call.. Ur family.

So yea. The 2nd half of this entry is to remind ppl tt.. Mayb u don't rly mean it, or mayb u do mean it, it's a rly horrible thing to do, to mislead other ppl into assuming tt the other person is smth, tt he isn't. Potraying tt victim as a Villian doesn't make u a hero, ure jus low.

When my heart starts beating again.

How long has it been since my last update. Hmm lazy to check so I shall leave it as it is. People always hoped tt they cld go back in time to change their present state, while forgetting tt what they do today determines their future. This basic rule of life has been neglected by so many people.

Had so many moments which I wanted to re-live again but den again, I guess I Hafta trust myself tt, at that given moment, given situation, I've made the right choice. No one wldve known how it wldve turned out and I think I didn leave any regrets.
And I thought tt if I had the courage to reach out for u, I'll be able to grab ur hands. Well I guess tts not gonna happen. So much for my preparation. So long. I hope u... Won't haf a good life:) and then u will remb the times wher someone treated u so damn well. and den u can start regretting. Heh.

My time is almost up. I haf to say gdbye to my slack life, whether I like it or not. But it wldve been a new start to my life I suppose. I've gone thru some shit, and I've learnt and grown.. To become what I am now. So plz, gif me a good life ahead of me.? I'm sure tt I will work hard to achieve it.

But for nw.. Let's jus chill and take my own sweet time studying this darned dry "ownership rights" chapter. Argfh

When it starts beating again, I'll try to be less bothered with my pride. I promise.

interesting.

That marked the end of mhan's wedding. Was pretty fun. And had gd food. Only sad thing is tt I jus had to get drunk again. So tt sucked so much.

Wells.. It was rly nice hanging out wif my frens and u noe, spending money to haf fun. It was interesting and it made me not wanting to go back into my hermit lifestyle. Cuz being wif my frens...rly put a wide smile on my face. And I won't haf the cheek to face ALL of my frens if I ain't able to step out of my comfort zone, and get a freaking job.

I want. To. Step outside so much.

the journey fufilled.

Not tt I... Ok I can't rly focus on studying at home, cuz u noe, my bed is so... Attractive all day long. And my fone's begging me to touch it every now and then. And thus I finally made it a point to step outta my hse today disregarding any issues like "waste of money, waste of time" etc. It wld be nice to step out and take a look at the world around me every once in a while after all.

I felt tt I rly needed tt fresh air.

Nonetheless, even tho it wasn't that productive for me, I wld like to say tt it's nt a bad choice after all.
Rly wanted to drink ytd night but somehow I managed to stop my self from doing it. yays.
well

For peace.

I wonder why are ppl Constantly trying to bring down others. No matter how the humans evolve, they can't co-inhabit this world peacefully. I meant the real real peacefulness, tho it's pretty much peaceful in majority of the world, not mentioning the tragic happenings in the Middle East, or the previous event in Eastern Europe.

I'm talking abt the more micro thingies. If u can follow my flow. In a classroom, there will be at least one or 2 person(or mayb more) ure nt tt close to and u wld hope tt they cld jus vanish jus so tt everyone ard u is "ur close fren". Or mayb there will be ppl u hate and u don't like and u will badmouth the person whenever u get the chance. For. Wad. To give oneself a sense of superiority, by verbally bringing a person down infront of someone who "agrees" with u, behind tt victim's back. Well in work places, the game is pretty much played differently, previously u cld jus ignore the person or, jus u noe, get a bunch of frens and bully tt person or smth. In the working environment, well, although u still do the badmouthing, u try to do it as discreetly as u can. Despite saying tt "not tt I wanna talk behind ppl's back but bla bla bla, or haiyo tt guy ah... Hai yah... *shakes head* " etc etc and den , when they are in front of the person of topic, they will act as tho nth happened, and mayb chat and smile like they are real frens. They call it being diplomatic, or Wadever term u might wanna phrase it, tho in a sense, it's pretty much pure hypocrisy.

Facing these kind of things daily. And being able to hone my.. 'Diplomatic' skills for the past few years, smth inside me changed as well. Well of cuz whenever I'm conscious I'll try my best not to be one of those ppl who.. U noe, yea but sometimes... It jus comes out. the words jus flows outta my mouth and I became like one of them. I'll jus try to minimize it but, on the hindsight. I hope tt I wldve Enuf courage to speak to the people involved in front of their faces too. Like sincerely, for the sake of their personal improvement. Tho many times I've been proven tt my words won't be able to Change their character... I'll.. Try ok. And yea I will try my best to improve myself too.

I want to be different. I want to be above everyone else, by not bringing anyone down and understanding their strengths and weaknesses, and helping them improve if possible.

Well the whole thing came bcoz of my brothers actually. Even after knowing each other for 20+ 30+ years, and staying tgt for abt 20+ years, ppl are still not able to uds each other thoroughly. I wonder why. Izzit becoz they haf nv ever tried to know the other party, or izzit tt the other party nv intended to let himself be read at all.

Some minor disagreements arose these few days due to my bro's wedding. I sincerely hope tt they don't take these too seriously bcoz.. U noe, we're brothers. And I sincerely do not hope tt we will be uncomfortable hanging out with each other, or rather, enemies wldve been the worst case scenerio.

Yea. I'll see wad I can do.

Will humans ever be able to attain true peace.? Frm a Macro and micro perspective.

wrench.

Times whereby u tot ure alr over it, den seeing smth tt brings back all the memories. Tt moment where u felt as tho someone jus squeezed ur heart  literally. Haha had tt moment last night but well. It rly jus lasted for a while but still, lols.

Pretty not a constructive Friday cuz I went jogging, and den I slept. LOl. And I went to causeway point in hope tt I'll be able to find nice special cakes for my mother. But ended up realizing tt the shops available are pretty much the same as the ones in bukit panjang. Hence I headed back to bpp instead. Total waste of time and transport fare.
So my brothers wanted to come back wif their wives to u noe, celebrate oh wait. I had the intention of buying pizzas for my mum since there's this 2 pizzas for blabla dollars. So yea I tot if it's jus 2 more ppl, I guess there's enuf pizza to go ard. Suddenly, another bro of mine decided to come for pizza as well,( originally he said he's not coming) and yea. I tot I needed more. It's pretty ex to me cuz my income is merely half or less than half of my previous income. Yea I'm a leech at home so yea, bought 4 of em nonetheless.
After tt I gt this bad premonition, so I called home. And my mum told me tt she alr cooked dinner. wtfbbq. Yes, I alr told her tt I'm gon buy pizza so told her nt to cook. I totally felt tt I jus threw my pocket money tt cldve lasted for a week or 2 into the sea.

Well... I shldve called b4 buying. I didn take into consideration tt she's such an ass. So On my way home I'm totally fuming but I took in a lot of deep breathes to calm down. Argh. Wtf bbq.

Ah so tts tt. It's jus like u can make plans tt fits perfectly, but there'll always be one or 2 asses to screw ur plan up for u no matter how precise ur plans were.

It's her bday.. But... U noe.. Tt feel, tt anger. Argfgh.

Mind body and soul.

living life. havent gained enuf confidence yet. eager to fly but, u noe, u nv noe wad can happen if u leave the nest before you are ready.

K fine shall update it since theres not much content previously.

Met a close jc fren few days ago, or rather we actually still kept in touch when we're in uni. But when smth bad happened to me, I cut everyone away frm my life. Well I can't b truthful abt my failure, since... Ppl always expect me to do well, I don't haf the patience to explain and tell everyone of my frens hw stupid i were, I am.? So yea, talked abt some interesting memories and a little bit of my life recently, it was kinda awkward but I guess it turned out.. Ok. Heh.

Trying hard to do useful stuff these days, with these 3 words in mind, "mind body and soul"
Heh. Trying to make sure tt I don't rly waste these slacking days and trying my best to enrich myself. Studying cfa is supposed to add value to my brain. Tts the mind section.

Body: yes I'm training up my body, for a nicer looking body ahha. Reducing the body fats at my abdominal area and training up my arm str. But.. Tt doesn't seem to be working out well since I jus look like a skinny mofo. Sigh.

Soul: hmm. Currently I'm playing some drums to make sure tt I don't go out of practice. So tt whne the time comes and I haf to display my skills, I won't be disappointed. Haha there are millions of skills out there for ppl to acquire. I wld love to acquire all of them but.. In my limited lifespan, and limited time.. There's only so much i can learn. Well. I guess piano is next, but of cuZ, other than enriching my soul, priority goes to the mind and body enhancement process.


Tt pretty much summed up what I'm up to these days. I feel tt it's.. Meaningful in its own way. Not jus squandering time away I hope..well then, time to roll of my bed and get back to work


so life's normal, many moments where i thought to myself ugh shld i do this and den ill tell myself nope. no u shldnt connect back the bonds tt uve worked so hard to cut away. welll..... plenty sleepy these days and i wonder why, but work hard ok. its a tough road but i will be able to get throught these.


after alll im cy.


hahahaha, took steps to reconnect but, at the final step i started to hesitate. why shld i even do tt. i shldve jus moved forward.

Misery business

Was so about to u noe, write abt all the misery tt I'm enduring alone. But then again, apparently the signs were telling me not to.

Anw hi. It's ur bday as usual; one year passed tt quickly. I guess I'm definitely a bloody fool for thinkin tt u noe, we cld jus catch up on stuff or smth but hahahah. I guess not. Okay no loss. I'm cool. Hope u got to enjoy a day out wif ur frens and/or ur special one. Well, don't say tt it's nth special, it's an excuse I guess, for someone to feel special once per year. Pls do feel special, it's so not just another day if u didn treat it tt way k.? K bye.

Oh pretty much shopped for the attire we needed to wear for mhan's wedding. Heh. Feels kinda nice tt I'm able to meet new ppl, and I think they're q cool to hang out wif. Well, good frens of my good fren shld mean tt I shld be able to click well wif em right.? Hah. Nt sure how these will turn out but, yea nice to meet them and... Hope tt the wedding day will be fun as well.

There's like some many stuff tt I wanted to buy, but ugh. Tt money... My bank is in a never before seen crisis and it felt so bad. I even started to think tt "no, I'm nt the one who spent it. Someone must've stole my card or smth". But yea of cuz... It's all done by me. Sigh. Even tho I tried to live so frugally... Things still turn out this way omg. We'll... See how it goes I guess hehe.

I will not feel down becuz I haf other impt things to worry abt. So what if there's a lot of shit going on ard me. I won't be defeated.. Not so easily.:)

watch me.

The hardest part of love is choosing to let go of the person so tt he/she cld be happier.

Bachelors'

Had a bachelors' party last night. Supposingly. Lol cuz I don't rly noe what a bachelors' party shld be like but i think tt it shld include some alcohol and stuff so I think... Yup we had a bachelors' party last night.

Alcohol is rly smth tt helps bond ppl closer. Tts wad I think, tts prolly the answer I've been searching for. Under the influence of alcohol and dim lights, ppl become more truthful, ppl become more friendly and open, removing all the false pretense they put up day in day out. Secrets will be told, and we wld laugh at the tiniest thing. I guess generally ppl become happier after drinking but of cuz, the cost of it is to haf a hangover the next day and prolly puking ur guts out.

Well I hope everyone had fun. Especially to my very close fren who's getting married. Taking tt step forward and becoming a husband is smth I think a lot of ppl don't haf the courage for. Tt amt of responsibility tt comes along with it is unimaginable I guess. Like promising smbdy tt "yea I'm gon take care of u forever". Jus thinking abt it is giving me the creeps lol. K fine to be fair, it's nt like I didn haf tt mentality before but... U noe, sometimes it's q hard to follow through with tt decision. Like after a few years, won't u look at those ppl who's not married having helluva fun but u having to go home and u noe, take care of tt fking crying baby. Yup it will be worth it but.. Of cuz there shld be moments whereby u will go like "fk this.. I shldnt haf gotten married"

Still... I'm glad tt I got to send him off. Hahaha. This is it. Gdbye freedom for him. Hello to the nxt stage of life.

Well on the other hand.. I'm still deep in the sea of freedom and relaxation. I noe I'm so gonna pay a price of these freedom I'm enjoying now but, I'll.. See how it goes. Ill yea. Haha.

Letting go.
Now tt I think I'm pretty much close to the truth. Perhaps it's rly time to let it go. Just another yesterday's idea.
The last goodbye tt is said by my heart. Will nv reach ur ears but at least, it reached my brain. And I shld be able to move on from tt spot sincerely frm nw on. No sorrow, no more emotions.